I was living in a commune-type house when I met her. I was playing piano in the living room one night with a few friends in the room, illuminated by Christmas lights and a fire in the fireplace. I looked back, and she was staring at me in what I believe was admiration. While many of us were playing music she was scribbling away in a notebook. When I spoke to her she quickly became one of the funniest women I’ve ever met. Very quick wit. She stayed over at the house, and the next day her and I walked through the forest getting fire wood and a piece to whittle. She chopped the wood and we made fires, she whittled some while I played piano. This time, when I looked back at her she was crying.
After that moment we were inseparable. She was exactly the kind of friend I needed there. She was someone I could speak to about the relationship I was in. She was someone I could be affectionate with. We would shower together, cuddle, she would love when I played music for her. She would constantly make me laugh. We would get up in the middle of the night and dance naked on the counter tops drinking champagne, just because we were young and beautiful and we could. I told her that she was a godsend.
I needed a friend like that there, after all, I was in love with someone in the house and figuring that relationship out, as there were a few reasons it was a bit complicated.
We would love to be naked together and gently caress. We would kiss and wash each other. I enjoyed exploring my masculine side with her. I would hold her close to me with strength, I would be in tune to her, check in and see if she was doing OK with all the craziness of the house. I realized how much I love being a masculine figure in my lady friends’ lives. Letting them know how sexy they are, how beautiful, how talented. Being affectionate. It’s godly, it’s goddess culture.
Growing up I remember hearing many girls saying, “I have more guy friends then girls. Girls don’t like me.” Our same-sex relationships are so incredibly important and I believe women should act gentlemanly towards each other. At least, this is what has helped me understand what I want from my relationships with the opposite sex. I am the boyfriend I want to have with my girl friends. But this relationship could’ve come to a stand-still when this particular girl friend of mind started sleeping with the man I had been telling her how much in love with him I am.
I was not in the house when I got the call. I had been on a business trip and he called me in order to clarify that when I returned, him and I were not in a committed relationship. I knew this, but, why was he making such a point to tell me? He had been sleeping with her. After the conversation ended, heart sunk, I called her. She answered and said, “I’m so sorry.” Being I had once believed she was a godsend to me, I held true to that belief. This was a god-sent opportunity to grow.
We were able to process this whole thing together and indeed became closer. Through compassion and acceptance, we matured, and assisted each other through mutual pains, heart aches, emotional scars. Now all of those happenings are a thing of the past, and we got through it without having to hold on to grudges or shame. It wasn’t easy, but this is goddess culture.
We are now both out of that house and in different parts of the country. Recently she send me a poem, one of her scribblings in that book she would write in while me and the others would play music. She never shares her work and so I am honored she will allow me to share it with you.
“Nothing is lost. If you have moved over vast territories and dared to love silly things, you will have learned even from the most primitive items collected and put aside in your life. “-Ray Bradbury
folded back into my familiar fog
soft arms pull me back
into my tangerine haze.
floating untethered above my mind
dropping ties out of both hands
as I drift.
talk of the end of the word,
civilizations to blame,
sentences & points thrown
gently back and forth.
“oh we’re the worst,
that’s why we’re the best”
beautiful soul mates, created of stars.
gathered together in a mix of wanderers
drifting to and from the Chanti house collective.
creating community no matter
how transient this
days punctuated by avocado,
and group ventures
to and fro, orange colored glow.